


What Follows Losing

by Hoboschqualist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Drabble, Friendship, Post Interhigh, Stress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3838948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoboschqualist/pseuds/Hoboschqualist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following Interhigh, Hinata deals with the anxiety and guilt of losing to Aoba Johsai.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Follows Losing

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on my thesis, instead I'm writing fan fiction about anxiety and stress... I'm sure there is a correlation somewhere.
> 
> I own nothing.

“Don’t you think it’s time to stop?”

  
Hands on his knees, bent forward, Hinata panted, struggling to find his breathe. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he saw it was already at least an hour past the time they usually left the gym.

  
Early on it had been difficult to convince Daichi to let Hinata and Kageyama lock up after practice, he thought they would leave the gym door unlocked or burn it down because of some fight or crazy competition. It wasn’t until Suga stepped in, soothing the way like always, that they convinced Daichi to trust them. Now it was no longer a question that Hinata and Kageyama would be the last to leave, staying a little longer to get in a few more spikes.

  
“You’ve been pushing pretty hard recently.” Kageyama continued, seemingly unconcerned. His blank expression gave nothing away when Hinata finally looked up at him.

  
“Ohh, have I finally found your limit Kageyama?” Hinata mustered a faint grin, slowly straitening from his bent position. Kageyama was easy to rile up, especially with something like this, too quick to defend himself when his dedication to volleyball was questioned. “And I thought you were serious about this,” he intoned, mockingly shaking his head in disappointment.

  
Instead of the expected explosion of shouting and punching, Kageyama continued to stare at him, face unchanged aside from the faintly raised eyebrow.

  
Unsure of how to respond, Hinata frowned, looking back to the ground. “What’s your deal, you know I’m just kidding, no need to be all serious about it. If you want to stop we can stop, you don’t have to act that way.”

  
“Act what way?” Kageyama inquired, still looking at him blankly. God, he was starting to piss Hinata off.

  
“You’re being weird! What’s with all the questions and stuff. Normally you are fine to practice extra, but now you’re telling me I’m trying too hard? You told me I needed to get better if we wanted to get to the top!”

  
Silence sat between them following his outburst. Looking away from Kageyama, not wanting to see his expression, Hinata stomped towards the door embarrassed.

  
“I’m gonna go get changed and head home if you’re done then. Do you mind locking up?” Hinata asked, before stepping outside, not waiting for a response. He felt guilty making Kageyama close up alone, since he was responsible too, but he couldn’t stay in the room with him. Recently Hinata had notice Kageyama watching him. Not really in a weird stalker kind of way, more thoughtful. He had also been asking probing questions. Whenever Hinata tried to engage him in joking fights or teasing, Kageyama would just look at him oddly, like tonight, and he was becoming less apt to strike out and play fight like normal.

  
Changes in routine were stressful. When something as integral in his life as fighting with Kageyama changed, it put him on edge. Though recently most things put him on edge.

  
_You’re fine, everything is fine_ , Hinata repeated continuously in his head as he made his way up the stairs to the clubroom. The need to reassure himself was becoming more common as of late. Even for simple things like raising his hand in class to ask a question was becoming too much. Every time, he would feel a faint sheen of sweat form along his back. His stomach would start to tighten and his hands faintly shake. This shouldn’t be hard to do, he would remind himself. He had never had problems like this before. Thinking things like, _nothing terrible is going to happen_ , but still he would feel the anxiety build up inside him. You could never predict how someone would respond. Would he be ridiculed, would something awkward happen? Who knew. Would Hinata do something stupid or mess up something important? The same feelings would occur when he ran to pick up things at the store for his mom, or if someone called the house that he didn’t know. These simple, common place events would send his body into a frenzy, and he would have to fight through it to appear unaffected. To smile, and politely speak to the person, feigning enthusiasm and interest, when really, he was locked up inside trying to predict if something would happen. Never before had he felt this so strongly. True he would get stressed before big matches and have stomach problems, but those issues never really carried over into daily activities. He was used to doing things on his own and talking with people, these things used to be easy, but now he was struggling.

  
“If I’m acting weird, it’s only because you are.”

  
Surprised, Hinata spun to look at the door, not realizing he had been staring off into space in the clubroom this whole time. Kageyama stood in the open door, arms crossed frowning at him. Hinata had intended to get ready and leave before he had to deal with Kageyama, but he had been distracted with his thoughts and had gotten no further than entering the room and standing over his bag. Only now he realized the sweat had cooled on his body and he was shivering. _You’re ok_.

  
“You've been acting strange for a while now I think. I've only just begun to notice it, but if I look back I’d say it’s been since Interhigh.” Kageyama quietly stated as he continued to stand in the doorway. “I doubt I would have noticed it if I didn't have to watch your movements so much to sync up our spikes, but you've also been better at hiding it than I would have expected.”

  
Gritting his teeth, turning back to his bag, Hinata pulled his track pants on over his shorts, not even bothering to change. The sweat on his legs caused the material to cling to him, forcing Hinata to kick his feet in irritation to get the pant legs to fall into place. Just as he began throwing on his jacket, he froze as Kageyama spoke again.

  
“You’ve been trying to act like nothing’s wrong, joking and smiling, even baiting me and Tsukishima for fights, but when you think no one’s looking you have a particular expression on your face. At first I couldn’t figure it out,” Kageyama murmured, looking frustrated as he tried to explain, hands gesturing uselessly in front of him. “I tried catching you doing it, but you were really quick to cover it up, and that’s when I knew you were hiding something. You wouldn’t go through the trouble to hide something, usually your face in an open book, and you say any stupid thing that comes to mind. It wasn’t until this afternoon that I saw it long enough to figure it out.”

  
Hinata jolted from Kageyama’s words, and began hastily zipping his jacket and throwing his things into his bag. Hinata cursed that fact that his things were in a halo on the floor surrounding his bag, forcing him to gather everything up. _It’s ok, you’re ok_. He turned to rush out the door, hand still shoving a notebook inside his bag, but Kageyama was still blocking the way.

  
“Move,” Hinata growled, gripping the strap of his bag tightly in his fist. He didn’t want to hear any more of this.

  
“It was fear,” Kageyama stated with surety, standing resolutely in the doorway.

  
“Fear?” Hinata scoffed, shivers rolling down his spine. _It’s fine, deep breaths_. Glaring up at Kageyama he angrily countered, his voice shaking slightly, “What do I have to be afraid of, that’s stupid. Don’t pretend your some genius, be already have Tsukishima for that.”

  
He pushed at Kageyama’s shoulder. “Look I have to go, it’s starting to get dark and I still have to bike home.” Hinata tried pushing through again, but he couldn’t seem to budge him. His stomach began rolling and twisting. Kageyama’s hand came down on his shoulder, holding him out away from the door.

  
“What's going on? If you’re afraid of something just say it. If you’re still upset about losing at Interhigh, I understand, but we already said we would do better at the Spring High, so I doubt it’s that. If we are going to be a team we need to be honest,” Kageyama’s eyes were narrowed in irritation, glaring back down at Hinata.

  
“Just let me go, “Hinata said desperately, trying to wrench his arm free, struggling like a child in Kageyama’s strong grip.

  
Feeling no give from Kageyama, Hinata suddenly felt empty of all energy. Like a wet rag squeezed and rung out, his energy to fight seeped from him.

  
“I just want to go home Kageyama, nothing’s wrong.” He sagged against the wall weakly, bag falling from his hand. Hinata looked down at his hands, he hadn’t noticed they were shaking. _You’re fine, nothing bad will happen_.

  
Neither spoke. The air felt heavy and made Hinata’s skin feel prickly. Wary of what would happen next, his insides coiled and ready to protect against Kageyama’s next words.

  
“Then why are you crying.” Hinata was startled when he heard Kageyama’s soft question, expecting more yelling. He felt the grip on his shoulder slacken.

  
Hinata tentatively reached up to his face, feeling the wetness. He hadn’t even notice he was crying. Staring at the moisture on his fingertips in confused silence Hinata felt something loosen within his chest. He could feel his chin quivering that way Natsu’s would when she was upset, and he tried to lock down the feelings welling up inside him. Hinata felt Kageyama’s hand on his other shoulder just then, and in that instant, the way that waves so seamlessly crash against the shore, Hinata began to sob. The kind of ugly crying you never see people do in movies, where their faces pinch into a pained knot and their snot pours from their noses.

  
Hinata felt Kageyama hesitantly pull him into his chest lightly, but never said anything.

  
“I’m sorry,” Hinata whimpered, gulping for breath around each sob, mucus and tears smearing against his hands as he tried to cover his face. “It’s too much.”

  
“What’s too much?” Kageyama asked, as he lightly rubbed Hinata’s back. ”We’re friends aren’t we?” He said awkwardly, “I know we once said we were rivals, and we compete a lot, but we’re still friends.”

  
Feeling the tentative hands on him, and hearing Kageyama’s quiet questions only seemed to make the tears worse. Hinata felt frantic, struggling to catch his breath.

  
“Deep breaths, its ok,” Kageyama told him, “Come on, you’re going to start hyperventilating, take a deep breath.” Hinata could hear the worry behind his harsh words.

  
Actively thinking about each gasp, Hinata’s lungs burned as he forced himself to hold his breath and then release it more slowly. Minutes passed with the soft pats of Kageyama’s hands on his back and awkward reassurances, but eventually they soothed some of the caustic feelings inside Hinata, his sobs lessening and turning now to a sluggish seep of tears. Despite how many times he brushed them away, more continued, but his breath was beginning to steady. The violence of his crying now abated.

  
“Of course we’re friends, idiot,” Hinata stated, frustrated he couldn’t stem to flow of tears.

  
Hinata heard an irritated growl, and felt a Kageyama move one of his hands to lightly hit him on the top of the head. “Then you should say something if you’re having a hard time, dumbass!”

  
“Fine!” Hinata shouted, pulling out of Kageyama’s arms, his anger rising as he felt his cheeks redden with embarrassment. “You just have to keep picking and needling at me. Fine, you want to know what’s wrong? Ever since I fucked up that last stupid spike against the Grand King, all I can think about is everything that I mess up and everything that can go wrong.”

Kageyama stared at Hinata with wide eyes as he continued to rant.

  
“I can’t make a single decision without feeling like something terrible is going to happen, I have to constantly remind myself that I’m being stupid and that nothing bad is going to happen. I’ve even gone so far as to tell myself that even if something happened, it’s not going to kill me, but it doesn’t matter! I can feel myself burning up and having and all of this roll around inside of me like I’m going to explode.” Staring up at Kageyama, angry tears still streaming down his face.

  
“I’m anxious about everything, just waiting for the next thing to go wrong,” Hinata cut off, not wanting to say any more.

  
Kageyama’s expression was pained as he continued to stare at Hinata. After a moment he finally replied with a sigh, “Then say something if you are anxious. It won’t all go away, but if I can reassure you and help you feel less pressure, then tell me what it bothering you.”

  
“It’s not that simple Kageyama!” Hinata cried.

  
“Of course it is you idiot!” Kageyama shouted as he gripped Hinata’s shoulder again. “You’re obviously feeling guilty, like a dumbass, about Interhigh, and your confidence is shot, so everything is making you second guess yourself."

  
"If you try talking about it you might feel better, but keeping it inside and killing yourself with extra-long practices isn’t going to help either, it’s just going to get you hurt and then you can’t play for the Spring High,” Kageyama argued.

  
“Don’t you think I feel like shit about losing too? But, I know that it’s more than just one person playing on a volleyball team, something even you should know,” He said as he gave Hinata’s shoulder a slight shake.

  
“I know it’s more than just me playing, I’ve already learned that lesson,” Hinata stated less aggressively, looking down, “But it was my spike…if I had been better or quicker we might not of lost.”

  
“Maybe not,” Kageyama said, “But we can’t go back, and you need to let it go. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, that’s fine, but you can’t let this anxiety and fear build up inside of you, or you will mess up not just the dynamic with the team, but your own life too. Suga and Daichi have started to notice too and are worried, so you need to talk to someone before it gets out of hand.” Kageyama let go of Hinata and stepped back.

  
Still not looking up, Hinata wiped the remaining tear tracks from his face with his palms, he eyes and cheeks feeling puffy and tight. He continued to stare at the floor, thinking over Kageyama’s words. At the very least it didn't hurt to try his suggestion. Hinata was just so tired. With the extra-long practices, and built up stress, he knew he couldn't keep going on this way. Wiping his nose on his sleaze quickly, he grabbed his bag from the floor.

  
“Ok,” Hinata said after a moment, “You’re right. I’ll give talking to someone a try.” Slinging the strap over his shoulder, he looked up at Kageyama, and for the first time in weeks grinned with real emotion.

  
“Who knew you were such a softy Kageyama,” he joked, feeling some of the strain leave his chest.

  
“Idiot,” Kageyama scoffed back with a slight smirk, relived to see some of the warmth return to Hinata’s expression, “I wouldn't have to be so nice if you weren't such a high maintenance friend. Just be sure you bring some of the effort you put into hiding stuff from me into the next match.”

  
“Rude Kageyama,” Hinata pouted teasingly as he waited for Kageyama to grab his things from the club room. The sun was starting to set, it was doubtful he would make it home before dark.

  
“I’m in a delicate state,” he half joked, embarrassed to have cried in front of Kageyama, though admittedly feeling better.

  
“I know dumbass,” Kageyama said once again in a serious voice as he carried his things to the door, “But, we’re a team, so at least let me carry some of the weight.”


End file.
